If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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