It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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