I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
