that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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