hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
