party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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