Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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