someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
