how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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