someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
