Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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