My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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