A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
