My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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