Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
