So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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