why didn't you poke me back
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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