i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
