Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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