The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
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There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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