I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
