I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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