I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
