Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
