every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
