I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
