Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
