You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
