If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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