I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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