a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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