I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
