Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
