I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
