I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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