so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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