i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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