if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
