I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He better not be in your backpack
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
