For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
