We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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