I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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