You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
