I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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