I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He passed out mid-signature
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize