she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
