Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
