Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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