i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
