I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
