I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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