just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
