If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
