Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
