if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
